Introduction To My Blog Series: Living Successfully With Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder
I was 27 years old when I entered into the realization that there was something wrong with me and one of the original diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD.
I say something wrong with me because I was just not able to manage my life on my own and somehow knew there was something wrong with my mind.
Back then, not a lot was known about this horribly stigmatized disorder because BPD patients were considered impossible to treat or wrongly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
Along with BPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) and Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS) were also added to my diagnostic mix.
ADHD was quickly debunked and over the past two decades most professionals leaned towards my having PTSD or a Dissociative Disorder – but something about these disorders never seemed to fit.
Add menopause to the mix and the confusion became even more confusing.
Anxiety
Here are past blogs I’ve written about my struggles with anxiety and what felt like PTSD or DDNOS:
- Managing Anxiety -The Space of No Mind
- Managing Anxiety and the Mind of Choice
- Anxiety – The Antithesis of Personal Connection
- Anxiety & Cannabidiol (CBD) & Exercise
- Trauma, Flashbacks and Dissociative Disorders
- AM I: In a Panic Attack or Trauma Response or Dissociation or Menopause? How Do I Tell The Difference?
My Struggles With Alcoholism
2018
- Mystic Order – Reiki Level 3A – 21 Day Cleanse – My Alcoholism Is Gone
- Spiritual Discipline – My Alcohol Addiction – My Story Now
- Personal Development – Still Alcohol Free
2019
- Is Too Much a Choice or Addiction?
- Personal Development – After 10 Months – This Wild Woman Is Drinking Again
- Personal Development – This Wild Woman Still Struggles With Alcohol
- Reiki Principle For Today – I Will Not Worry
2020
- One Year No Beer – 28-Day Alcohol Free Challenge
- Personal Development – A Wild Woman Redefined? Absolutely!
- Personal Development – Living Alcohol Free – Day 78
2021
2023
2024
2025
- Overthinking & The Joys Of Living My Twenty-Four Hour AA Program
- From Anxiety To Sobriety: My Life Journey From 52 – 56
- Am I Willing To Trust In God?
- The Distinct Languages of AA, DBT & CPT
Present Day
On February 9th, 2022, I had a thorough psychological assessment by a seasoned psychiatrist. At long last, at 52 years old, I was finally properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.
This blog series called Owning and Unraveling Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder is my way of processing and understanding these complex personality disorders and how they manifest, interfere with and enhance my life.
Perhaps, as it has been said to me from friends who have family members with Borderline Personality Disorder, I can help dispel misconceptions and stigmas associated with these mental illnesses.
And hopefully I can shed some light and more personal information on what living with Histrionic Personality Disorder is like as I review each symptom and diagnostic criteria and how they show up (past or present) in my life.
With hope,
Stephanie, 🩵🌻
Identity Problems and BPD
From Chapter 7, page 99 of Borderline Personality for Dummies:
Those who suffer from BPD often have the feeling that they’ve lost their identity. Unlike those who’ve lost their financial or online identity, people with BPD have lost something dearer and more fundamental. They lack a sense of who they are and what they believe in. This symptom creates high anxiety, disturbing feelings, and a lack of purpose and direction.
What is Identity
From Chapter 7, pages 100- 102 of Borderline Personality for Dummies:
Identity is a theory or concept that someone creates to synthesize information and knowledge about the self. In other words, your identity is your own personal attempt to capture the core elements that make you who you are.
… an identity can be healthy or unhealthy. Healthy identities stand on a foundation of sturdy, varied values. They don’t centre on a single aspect of a person. For example, a healthy identity can encompass multiple sources of self-worth. In contrast, an unhealthy identity has a restricted scope and usually derives worth from only a few elements.
People incorporate just a few or, hopefully, many aspects of their lives in their identities, including the following:
- Artistic talent
- Knowledge
- Wealth
- Gender
- Hobbies
- Accomplishments
- Career
- Relationships
- Status and prestige
- Religion
- Values
- Priorities
- Physical appearance
- Health
- Place of residence
- Cultural affiliation
- Age
To form your identity, you likely look at these various aspects of your life and attempt to describe who you are based on which facets you value the most. Personal identity is like a story about your life. For example, someone who values friendship will have a life story or identity, that emphasizes friendships. For healthy identities, these stories have coherence and some degree of continuity, and, thus, your identity can guide your decisions and choices. However, if your identity is scrambled and lacks continuity, it can’t readily guide your life choices.
Terms that many mental health professionals consider similar to identity include self-concept, self-esteem, self-awareness, self-satisfaction, and self-importance. Although a group of psychologists can talk for hours about the nuances that distinguish each term from the other, all the terms capture a similar idea – who you are.
Borderline Identity: Unstable and Fragile
From Chapter 7, pages 104- 105 of Borderline Personality for Dummies:
People with BPD have identities that differ from those of other people. Their identities show less stability and less coherence. In addition, people with BPD often overreact to minor threats to their frail identities.
…people with BPD exhibit huge fluctuations in attitudes, values, and feelings of identity. The difference between the identities of a person without BPD and a person with BPD is a lot like the difference between a well-edited movie of someone’s life and an unorganized box jammed full of photos from that same life.
Lacking a strong, stable sense of their own identities, many people with BPD attempt to adapt whichever identity they believe their current partner or friends want them to have. They believe that doing so can make them very appealing to their potential partners or friends because they may appear like the very personification of their friends’ dreams. However, the inherent instability of their personal identities makes maintaining the facades impossible to do.
Wearing Masks
Most of my live has been about wearing masks – adapting to be what I imagine another wants me to be.
I never, NEVER knew I had a choice.
I felt powerless in life.
Like a leaf in the wind waiting for the next westerly gale, the next person to direct my life.
I felt like and still do feel like an empty, hollow shell, seeking approval on the outside to get validation on the inside, that all is okay in my world.
I do not have a sense of “Stephanie.”
It feels like I have a black hole within that is impossible to fill.
Any positive self-talk or sense of self I try to fill it with, eventually disappears.
All my life experiences swirl around me, not within me.
I Thrive on External Validation
Wanna see me have a great day – validate me about something!
Well, if I trust you as a validation source.
If you are a person whom I need approval/validation from to feel accepted in some way, I will thrive if you validate me. If you do not validate me, I become filled with self-doubt.
Hopefully, you won’t see this about me. Hopefully, my ability to internally manage this isn’t seen by everyone, making me look like a fool.
This is why I am so exhausted at the end of a day.
It is exhausting trying to manage these daily surges of BPD strong emotions of validation to feel safe in my environment, to know what I’m doing is what you expect of me so I don’t get in trouble.
Why Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Does Not Work
It’s not strong enough.
Any reframing of fear-based negative self-talk to positive self-talk slides through me, under me and right off me.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Works
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) addresses this.
DBT is a therapy created by American psychologist Marsha Lineham who has BPD for those with BPD.
So, first step is mindfulness – I pay attention – observe when I seek external validation to feel safe.
Or, if the emotions are too much, I use Distress Tolerance skills to ground me.
Values are another DBT skill set to help me understand myself, my identity. I’m not there yet.
One small DBT step at a time.
S, 🌻
Quick Links To The Blogs In This Series Living Successfully With BPD & HPD:
Borderline Personality Disorder
Forget Everything I’ve Said – I’ve Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Introduction to Symptoms & Causes
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Strong Opinions & Identity Crisis
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Not PTSD – It’s Emotions – Borderline Style
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Empathic Abilities & Intentional Interventions
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Overlapping Symptoms & What Type Of & How BPD Am I?
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Starting EMDR – Creating New Pathways To Calm
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – The Pros and Cons of Medical THC & CBD
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Gratitude For A Wild & Crazy Life
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Behind My Mona Lisa Smile – What BPD Feels Like For Me
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – The Hulk Uses Dialectical Behaviour Therapy
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Coping With The Inner Critic
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Unstable & Fragile Identities
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Highlights Of DBT’s Emotional Regulation Skills
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Highlights Of DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
Living With Borderline Personally Disorder – DBT – Skills Thermometer – A DBT Skills Anchor Chart
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Introduction & Symptoms & Diagnostic Criteria
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Shallow, Changeable Emotions
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Assumed Intimacy With Others
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Hypersensitivity To Criticism
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Manipulative Behaviour
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Sexually Provocative Behaviour
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – A Compulsive Desire For Attention
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Preoccupation With Appearance
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Suggestible & Easily Influenced
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