Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – Anxious – Ambivalent (Preoccupied) Attachment Style – Travels and Adventures of Joyful Stephanie

Introduction to This Blog Series

I was 27 years old when I entered into the realization that there was something wrong with me and one of the original diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD.

I say something wrong with me because I was just not able to manage my life on my own and somehow knew there was something wrong with my mind.

Back then, not a lot was known about this horribly stigmatized disorder because BPD patients were considered impossible to treat or wrongly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

Along with BPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) and Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS) were also added to my diagnostic mix.

ADHD was quickly debunked and over the past two decades most professionals leaned towards my having PTSD or a Dissociative Disorder – but something about these disorders never seemed to fit.

Add menopause to the mix and the confusion became even more confusing.

Anxiety

Here are past blogs I’ve written about my struggles with anxiety and what felt like PTSD or DDNOS:

Alcohol Addiction

As well, I have a history of alcohol addiction.

Blogs About My Struggles With Alcohol

Present Day

When I was 52 years old I had a thorough psychological assessment by a seasoned psychiatrist. At long last, I was properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.

This blog series called Owning and Unraveling Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder is my way of processing and understanding these complex personality disorders and how they manifest, interfere with and enhance my life.

And, as it has been said to me from friends who have family members with Borderline Personality Disorder, perhaps I can help dispel misconceptions and stigmas associated with these mental illnesses.

As well, perhaps I can shed some light and more personal information on what living with Histrionic Personality Disorder is like, for those who are also walking this path.

With hope,

Stephanie, 💛

March 17th, 2017 - Dubai, United Arab Emirates - Inside the Burj Khalifa — March 17th, 2017 – Dubai, United Arab Emirates – Inside the Burj Khalifa

Jennifer May, PhD – Great DBT Resource on YouTube

As I prepare for more focused Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) sessions with my therapist, I found a fantastic DBT resource on YouTube – Jennifer May, PhD.

She has so many videos on DBT, as well as many other helpful videos such as attachment styles that I will speak to next.

I like everything about her.

Her positive energy.

Her way of just calling it as it is.

She seems to speak right from her heart with a passion for her work that is inspiring!

Here is an example of one of her DBT videos that I’ve recently watched that lifted my spirits up when I was struggling called DBT – Distress Tolerance – Distract with ACCEPTS.

Anxious – Ambivalent (Preoccupied) Attachment Style

One of the hallmark characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder is fear of abandonment.

I see so much of myself in this video.

Right back to when I was 18 years old and my absolute devastation when my first boyfriend broke up with me and I thought my world was falling apart. After he dropped me home, I threw myself on the stairs – crying hysterically like a HPD drama queen – but was truly in distress – I felt out of control with heart break.

To being in very toxic relationships where I suffered emotional abuse and yet was absolutely terrified they would leave me – to the point where it would affect my job because I was physically sick from fear of abandonment.

The fear of abandonment is still as strong today as it has been over the decades, I just handle it a lot better now meaning I don’t completely fall apart (all the time) – I internally process it and feel numb and shut down – exhausting me as I try to be in the world at the same time.

My fear of abandonment is most strong with my husband and in the work place because I am around the same people every day.

If I isolate myself, it is easier than trying to navigate people.

Being around people is so very hard for me.

Yet, I crave connection – a deep yearning to feel accepted for who I am.

I have a lot more work to do – with self-acceptance (I’m trying!) and especially with my ability to self-sooth when I am triggered by fear of abandonment.

This is a big topic for me.

I’ll stop here, as I feel myself starting to spiral into negative thinking and need to help myself come out of it.

S, 🌼