The Trigger

My newest sobriety date is: August 1st, 2023

yesterday, I celebrated 365 days of continuous sobriety.

I was completely out of sorts for most of the day.

Why?

My day started with an early morning 12 Step Zoom Meeting followed by an intense trigger about what happened when I first entered recovery 28 years ago.

28 years ago, I was a binge and black-out drinker. I knew I needed help and was desperate for it. I reached out and was admitted to an addictions treatment program for my drinking through public mental health and addictions.

During my time in that treatment program a series of events happened that would alter the course of my recovery path, eventually making me mistrustful of 12 Step Programs.

After that time in the treatment program, my drinking has ebbed and flowed. I’ve had days, months, a year or so and 5 continuous years of not drinking, moments of binge drinking, times when a bottle of wine sat on my kitchen counter that I eventually poured down the drain. I’ve had times when my drinking was to get drunk and I just couldn’t get the alcohol in me fast enough or I was painfully aware of how much more I was drinking than those around me and struggled to keep at their “slow” pace.

During those years I stayed sober on my own. I tried One Year No Beer. I stepped in and out of 12 Step Programs. I stepped back out for a variety of reasons such as thinking I could “control” my drinking (ending my 5 years of sobriety), not wanting to admit or accept I was/am an alcoholic, or my inevitable fear of the 12 Step Program would send me running.

On August 1st, 2023 I stepped back into the rooms of a 12 Step Program – desperate to stop drinking – knowing this program was and is the only way to keep me sober.

Since then, my fear of the 12 Step Program would sometimes show its ugly head. I wouldn’t run because I am now mentally capable to navigate it; as well as doing what the program says and reach out to my sponsor.

On August 1st, 2024 I woke up to celebrate one year of continuous sobriety and as mentioned was blindsided by an intense trigger about what happened 28 years ago when I first entered recovery for my drinking.

Why now? Why was I blindsided by it? Why did it scare me so much?

I put great thought into this.

Today I am older, wiser, and stronger as my mental health is properly diagnosed. I am living in a safe environment – our home we call Penny Lane (my safe haven) – which provides stability that includes a solid marriage.

This is why the trigger blindsided me and scared me so much is because I have too much to lose if I run again.

A Bit on Zoom Meetings

12 Step Zoom Meetings have profoundly changed my participation in this program.

Why? Because we live somewhat isolated from the variety of in-person meetings located in more populated areas.

Zoom allows me the opportunity to attend 12 Step meetings on a regular basis. This permits me the feeling of being included and be with my people – which is paramount to staying sober. Those with longtime sobriety attend meetings almost daily.

Another benefit of Zoom is how it is possible to go to a meeting at any time during every day as there are meetings hosted all over the world!

Along with regular attendance to meetings, those with longtime and quality sobriety have a sponsor, a home group, work the 12 Steps and participate in service.

I am following in their footsteps.

Attending Zoom meetings on a regular basis as well as going to my home group (a local, once a week, in-person meeting) is helping to develop trust in people. 12 Step Members are getting to know me, I am getting to know them.

As well, I have the same sponsor since this return to a 12 Step Program.

This is a real achievement for me because of my profound fear of people.

So why a bit about Zoom meetings?

It was an accumulation of recent attendance to Zoom meetings that brought about my imagined untoward motives behind the kindness and support of others concerning my first year of sobriety.

This is what opened the flood gates of fear and unleashed the 28 year old trigger.

The Solution

To deal with the trigger itself required skills taught to me outside of the 12 Step Program.

In 2022 I was at long last properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder. I am currently attending a 13 Week Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) Group through Community Mental Health & Addictions (CMHA), a public mental health and addictions service.

I had to use skills from this DBT Group to successfully navigate the emotionally overwhelming trigger.

As well, I contacted my sponsor who told me that the kindness and support I received is quite innocent. People in 12 Step Programs make a real big deal out of birthdays. How first birthdays are really special and members want to make sure I celebrate and acknowledge how far I’ve come.

Her wisdom brought great comfort and helped me to effectively rethink my initial fear based interpretation of the motives behind the support and kindness of others within the 12 Step Program.

This emotionally overwhelming trigger, this 28 year old trigger, is listed within my 4th Step.

Faith

Faith is a spiritual value. A value that, for me, has oscillated from disbelief to a resounding truth of our interconnectedness.

I have yet to determine a Higher Power, a significant aspect of a 12 Step Program.

However, I have cultivated an authentic faith that this program works. So perhaps, at this time, the 12 Step Program is my Higher Power.

As I carry on in my journey of this 12 Step Program, while continuing to remain teachable and follow in the footsteps of those with longtime, quality sobriety – I have faith that this 28 year old trigger will eventually be healed.

S, 🌻

---

---

My Struggles With Alcoholism

2018

• Mystic Order – Reiki Level 3A – 21 Day Cleanse – My Alcoholism Is Gone
• Spiritual Discipline – My Alcohol Addiction – My Story Now
• Personal Development – Still Alcohol Free

2019

• Is Too Much a Choice or Addiction?
• Personal Development – After 10 Months – This Wild Woman Is Drinking Again
• Personal Development – This Wild Woman Still Struggles With Alcohol
• Reiki Principle For Today – I Will Not Worry

2020

• One Year No Beer – 28-Day Alcohol Free Challenge
• Personal Development – A Wild Woman Redefined? Absolutely!
• Personal Development – Living Alcohol Free – Day 78

2021

• Personal Development – Year One Of Living An Alcohol Free Life

2023

• 5 Months Sober & The Shame of Calling Myself An Alcoholic

2024

• Celebrating Another First Year – This Time With Alcoholics Anonymous

2025

• Overthinking & The Joys Of Living My Twenty-Four Hour AA Program
• From Anxiety To Sobriety: My Life Journey From 52 – 56
• Am I Willing To Trust In God?
• The Distinct Languages of AA, DBT & CPT

---

© Stephanie Wells – Joyful Stephanie – Living an Authentic Life – 2014-2026. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.