Overthinking & The Joys Of Living My Twenty-Four Hour AA Program

I’m an overthinker.

Years of therapy, self-analyzation, questioning my ability to feel truly myself, to understand my life, who I am, why I am here, why was I so deeply unhappy – what is my purpose, and so on were a daily habit for me.

Why did I feel so deeply disconnected from myself as well as the people and world around me?

After decades of misdiagnoses, on February 9th, 2022, I was finally properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD).

Okay. Pieces of my life puzzle started to make sense.

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) was incredibly effective for me.

So is the present day happenings of my nervous system finally relaxing, feeling safe. This will take too long to explain and is a story for another day.

Today, I am looking for a deeper understanding my alcoholism and am overthinking it.

Why?

I’ve been asked to share my story at an upcoming Zoom speaker meeting.

I find myself struggling with a foggy brain and dissociating a bit as I wonder how I will tell it.

I have no doubts I am an alcoholic.

I accept this.

Why am I an alcoholic?

Difficult to know.

It is the same as asking why are some people diabetic and others not.

There is much debate if alcoholism is a disease, an illness, or genetic.

As far as I know, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) does not define alcoholism as a disease.

Page xxviii of The Doctor’s Opinion in The Big Book states:

…that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics in a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker.

Page #44 of The Big Book states:

…you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.

Page #58-59 of Alcoholics Anonymous’ Big Book says:

Remember that we (alcoholics) deal with alcohol – cunning, baffling, powerful!

For me, alcohol truly is cunning, baffling and powerful because of its insidious creep into my life.

Over the decades, there were times when I didn’t drink – didn’t want to, times I could drink socially, other times I would drink in excess resulting in blackouts.

Therefore, my alcoholism developed slowly over the years, sometimes showing itself, other times not so much.

Whatever the cause, I know I am now powerless over alcohol when I take that first drink.

As mentioned, I wasn’t always powerless over alcohol.

Somewhere along the way, my drinking crossed a line into alcoholism.

I do not know exactly when or how this happened.

It just did and I can never go back over that line I crossed into alcoholism – to times of drinking socially.

I am now a pickle that cannot go back to a cucumber.

I say this because there is a quote said in jest around the 12-Step rooms.

It says:

“You can change a cucumber into a pickle, but you can’t turn a pickle back into a cucumber”

Once You Are a Pickle You Can Not Ever be a Cucumber Again

Alcoholism is progressive in nature.

Page #30 in AA’s Big Book says:

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control out drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals – usually brief – were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We were convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period, we get worse, never better.

Once I crossed that line into alcoholism, my drinking did progress.

What that means is when I stopped drinking – had some sobriety – I then thought I could try some controlled drinking.

It didn’t take long for alcohol to once again become unmanageable in my life with the mental obsession to drink and the physical craving for more when I had that first drink.

What does that look like:

While at work, my only thoughts were getting to the liquor store as fast as possible when work was over, to start drinking.

When I did buy wine, I needed to have more – back up – for fear of running out of it. One bottle was never enough. I needed two.

Drinking and driving – never gave it a second thought.

If I started drinking today, I would quickly progress back to drinking and driving. The next step for me would be jail.

Why?

Because, as I listen to other members in the fellowship share their stories of experience, strength and hope, those who do not put the 12-Step program into action and think they can start drinking again either end up in jail, an institution or death.

Why?

Because alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful – it is an allergy, an illness that tells me I can try some controlled drinking again.

Page #85 of AA’s Big Book says:

We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.

That is why I need to stay in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous every single day.

Attend meetings on a regular basis.

Work the 12-Steps into my life like I do with DBT’s skills for BPD & HPD.

Strengthen my relationship with my Higher Power, as I understand it to be, through daily prayer and meditation.

Talk to and be with my tribe, my people, alcoholics, like me – and find those I feel most comfortable with.

To understand that I cannot do the recovery thing quickly.

It’s a one-day-at-a-time process – every day of my life.

August 1st, 2023 is my sobriety date.

It’s not my first sobriety date – I’ve had many over the decades, but I want it to be my last.

It’s taken me almost 30 years to finally be able to understand how Alcoholics Anonymous works.

Proper mental health diagnoses and finally allowing my nervous system to relax (feel safe) has been paramount to my ability to focus and comprehend how Alcoholics Anonymous works.

Now, in my AA journey – for this over-thinker who needs a plan and a list – I already have my AA answers – my list, my plan.

It’s quite simple.

I have to stop making it complicated.

Perhaps because I am trying too hard to control my AA program to understand it, rather than surrender into it.

Difficult to say right now.

How about Stephanie, I try, just for today to be in this present moment – and allow myself to experience the joys of living in this twenty-four hour program.

S, 🌻