Living With BPD & HPD - Rambling Through Confusion Towards Clarity

Introduction To My Blog Series: Living Successfully With Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder

I was 27 years old when I entered into the realization that there was something wrong with me and one of the original diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD.

I say something wrong with me because I was just not able to manage my life on my own and somehow knew there was something wrong with my mind.

Back then, not a lot was known about this horribly stigmatized disorder because BPD patients were considered impossible to treat or wrongly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

Along with BPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) and Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS) were also added to my diagnostic mix.

ADHD was quickly debunked and over the past two decades most professionals leaned towards my having PTSD or a Dissociative Disorder – but something about these disorders never seemed to fit.

Add menopause to the mix and the confusion became even more confusing.

Anxiety

Here are past blogs I’ve written about my struggles with anxiety and what felt like PTSD or DDNOS:

My Struggles With Alcoholism

2018

2019

2020

2025

Present Day

On February 9th, 2022, I had a thorough psychological assessment by a seasoned psychiatrist. At long last, at 52 years old, I was finally properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.

This blog series called Owning and Unraveling Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder is my way of processing and understanding these complex personality disorders and how they manifest, interfere with and enhance my life.

Perhaps, as it has been said to me from friends who have family members with Borderline Personality Disorder, I can help dispel misconceptions and stigmas associated with these mental illnesses.

And hopefully I can shed some light and more personal information on what living with Histrionic Personality Disorder is like as I review each symptom and diagnostic criteria and how they show up (past or present) in my life.

With hope,

Stephanie, 🩵🌻

Confusion & Clarity

It is Day 11 since my diagnosis. I don’t know how long I will keep track of how many days I’m into my diagnosis.

For me, this feels like a way of tracking my processing.

I am reading Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies by Charles H. Elliott & Laura L. Smith.

This book, so far, is a helpful way of observing “me” by reading the many examples of how this debilitating disorder manifests in people.

It is a lot to take in.

Missing Persons: Identity Problems and BPD

I’m reeling with the connection of BPD and as the chapter in the book calls it, Missing Persons: Identity Problems and BPD.

I have struggled with my identity for as long as I remember.

Wondering who I am and what I am like.

I truly do not know what people see when they look at me, because I do not know who I am.

I feel transparent, that people can see my thoughts and see through me.

When I look in the mirror, I feel disconnected from me.

Very difficult to explain.

I was and still have tendencies toward morphing into the environment I am in.

I never reveal my true self because I don’t know who that is or feel safe enough to let my guard down when I feel relatively calm and somewhat connected to myself.

I feel like I wear an identity, instead of feeling it.

As a result, sometimes I feel like a fraud – unequipped and unqualified – in any given moment.

HPD

Talking about my recent diagnoses is hard work.

Hard work because of how other people perceive it.

I have been very selective in telling people in person about my recent diagnoses.

The HPD is especially difficult to explain because when I say what the symptoms are – it feels shaming because most people are uncomfortable talking about sex.

Yet, as I write this – there is a permission with this HPD diagnosis to embrace the sexual power within me.

Not in a textbook manipulation way to get my needs met – but to step into the power – empowered – and flourish with the glorious feelings of being a sexual creature.

Make sense?

It probably doesn’t, because that is the HPD talking.

There is more to HPD than the use of sex to manipulate to get noticed.

Calm App

I have been listening to Tamara Levitt and Jeff Warren on the Calm app for almost two years.

This daily practice has helped me implement mindfulness when, as I know it now, the BPD emotional rollercoaster ride (emotional dysregulation) happens.

With the help of mindfulness, sometimes I can bring myself out of emotional chaos.

Other times, I cannot.

I use the words of emotional support from Tamara Levitt’s Daily Calm and Jeff Warren’s Daily Trip.

Their kindness is authentic and a trusted source to receive emotional nurturing.

I use their voices in my head when I need emotional support – because I trust the source – but the lasting effect of this support does not stick around for long. It feels like a bandaid that is easily ripped off.

Truth be told – I instinctually do not trust my own supportive voice and do not trust the supportive words from family and friends.

Even my husband isn’t at 100% trustworthy status.

He’s at 99.8%.

This disorder is not easy.

It plays games with my head.

CBD & THC

CBD calms my mind and my body, so I’m not so quick to emotionally react.

THC – Sativa – gives me clarity through the dissociative fog – to process thoughts.

Indica is more relaxing with the body and mind.

I have a medical prescription and order online.

I take CBD oil capsules and THC – Sativa and Indica sublingual strips.

I stay away from THC edibles and oil capsules because the effects are harder to manage when digested. I never know how long it will take for the THC to kick in and when it does – the effects seemed more intense – and can bring about the psychosis side of BPD.

I have experienced this and it is not fun.

I feel the effects of the THC sublingual strips within 15 minutes.

The CBD takes about an hour to kick in.

How long do the effects last?

Hard to say.

I am most anxious in the morning and as I take CBD and THC over the day, by evening I am my most relaxed.

In the morning the effects seem to be worn off as I am anxious again.

So I start again.

I do notice I am developing a tolerance.

This has started to make me wary of how long CBD and THC will be effective for me.

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy

I am beginning to see how my thoughts and feelings go from one extreme to the other – from feelings of loving connection to feelings of fear, distrust and disconnect – in an intense surging instant.

This is particularly challenging, this extreme emotional rollercoaster ride.

I feel crazy and out of control.

This is where Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) will definitely help because it zooms in on this BPD symptom with specific strategies to manage it.

The woman who created DBT has BPD.

She gets it.

I think that is it for today. I will publish. Read. Re-read.

And re-read many more times.

Then, hopefully the clarity I’m searching for in writing this blog will start to seep in.

So, maybe, I can eventually start to see myself.

S, 🌻

Photo Credit – Lovehappensmag.com

Quick Links To The Blogs In This Series Living Successfully With BPD & HPD:

Borderline Personality Disorder

Forget Everything I’ve Said – I’ve Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Introduction to Symptoms & Causes

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – Rambling Through Confusion Towards Clarity

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Bits On Biosocial Theory & Learning To Ride Out Intense Emotions Rather Than Focusing On Why I Am Having Them

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Strong Opinions & Identity Crisis

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Not PTSD – It’s Emotions – Borderline Style

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Empathic Abilities & Intentional Interventions

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Overlapping Symptoms & What Type Of & How BPD Am I?

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – DBT’s Mindful Breathing & Participating With Awareness – Grounding Words

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – The Stigma & Social Pariah Of Personality Disorders

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Is This Effective & Willing Hands Half Smile & The Middle Path

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Starting EMDR – Creating New Pathways To Calm

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – The Pros and Cons of Medical THC & CBD

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder & HistrionicPersonality Disorder – Amber Heard VS Johnny Depp

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Gratitude For A Wild & Crazy Life

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Anxious – Ambivalent (Preoccupied) Attachment Style & Fear of Abandonment

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Behind My Mona Lisa Smile – What BPD Feels Like For Me

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – The Hulk Uses Dialectical Behaviour Therapy

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – DBT Skills Need Time & Everyday Practice To Become A Part Of Me

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Coping With The Inner Critic

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Unstable & Fragile Identities

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Highlights Of DBT’s Mindfulness & Distress Tolerance Skills

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Highlights Of DBT’s Emotional Regulation Skills

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – My Ability To Self-Validate Grows When I Live In Alignment With My Values

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Highlights Of DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

Living With Borderline Personally Disorder – DBT – Skills Thermometer – A DBT Skills Anchor Chart

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Introduction & Symptoms & Diagnostic Criteria

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Shallow, Changeable Emotions

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Assumed Intimacy With Others

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Hypersensitivity To Criticism

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Manipulative Behaviour

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Sexually Provocative Behaviour

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – A Compulsive Desire For Attention

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Preoccupation With Appearance

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Suggestible & Easily Influenced

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