I’ve been thinking about rejection.
I live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), where real—or even perceived—rejection can feel especially intense and can rapidly shift my emotional state, triggering a deep fear of abandonment and strong urges to seek reassurance.
This is especially hard for me at my job because I work with many women in the public school system. Moods and energy rise and fall like the tide, often leaving me feeling as if I’m drowning in perceived—or sometimes actual—rejection.
I tend to hyper-focus on women who don’t seem to like me, even though, in truth, I don’t actually like some of them either, yet I still feel a strong urge to seek reassurance that I am safe around them.
I’ve recently connected the dots on this: I struggle with women coworkers—especially when they’re in positions of power or authority over me—and when I believe they don’t like me or are rejecting me in some way, it affects me deeply, intensified by my BPD fear of rejection.
This rejection, whether perceived or real, is quiet and constant within, happening every day.
It’s how I interpret another person’s tone of voice, body language, and actions.
How I interpret these situations depends on how mentally and emotionally strong I feel in the moment.
When I’m grounded, calm, and confident, I remember my skills: to observe, to not take anything personally, and to know that whatever anyone does is about them, not me.
When I’m overwhelmed, exhausted, and angry, I take everything personally, as if it’s a rejection.
Lately at work, I’m mostly like the latter, because of increased demands and stress.
I’ve always considered myself as a people – pleaser.
Yet, as I heal and grow, I’ve recently come to understand there is a difference between when I’m in people-pleasing mode and when I’m in BPD rejection mode, and it seems that, historically, I’ve mostly been in BPD rejection mode.
I know this from my own research and personal experience.
People-pleasing is usually a learned coping pattern that develops over time in response to past experiences and relationships. It often revolves around avoiding conflict, preventing disapproval, or trying to gain approval from others.
BPD’s perceived or actual rejection can trigger very rapid, intense emotional pain in me with a powerful fear of rejection, and strong, repeated urges to seek reassurance.
People-pleasing coping patterns and BPD’s powerful fear of rejection can look similar; what really separates them is BPD’s intense emotional response and overwhelming urges to seek reassurance, which I feel usually don’t come with people-pleasing.
The words “powerful fear of rejection” don’t seem to capture just how intense and overwhelming this can be.
Say you have a fear of heights. You need to climb a ladder, and as you go up, the fear of heights floods you. Vertigo sets in, and then the panic of having to get down NOW overwhelms your body and sympathetic nervous system.
That’s what the BPD fear of rejection and the intense need for reassurance feel like to me.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) on February 9, 2022.
It’s taken me this long to really understand how my BPD fear of rejection manifests. Because I’ve been so used to feeling this way, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, so to speak.
The clarity I feel now, as a result of this deeper understanding of my fear of rejection, has shown me that it was so familiar and deeply woven into my experience that I couldn’t recognize the larger pattern or how much it interfered with my ability to feel reliably confident and skillful at work and in my life in general.
Healing, at its heart, is about becoming aware as I gently peel back the layers of my own self-understanding.
S, 🌻
Introduction To My Blog Series: Living Successfully With Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder
I was 27 years old when I truly realized that there was something wrong with me.
I say something wrong with me because I was not able to manage life on my own.
I had a deep knowing of somehow there was something wrong with my mind.
One of my original diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
However, not a lot was known about this horribly stigmatized disorder.
BPD patients were considered impossible to treat or wrongly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
For me, as my mental health practitioners changed, BPD was quickly (and incorrectly) taken off the table.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) and Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS) became my diagnostic mix.
ADHD was quickly debunked because I did not have symptoms in childhood, plus its medication wasn’t effective.
Most professionals leaned towards my having PTSD or a Dissociative Disorder – but something about these disorders never seemed to fit.
Add menopause to the mix and the confusion became even more confusing.
Anxiety
Here are past blogs I’ve written about my struggles with anxiety and what felt like PTSD or DDNOS:
- Managing Anxiety -The Space of No Mind
- Managing Anxiety and the Mind of Choice
- Anxiety – The Antithesis of Personal Connection
- Anxiety & Cannabidiol (CBD) & Exercise
- Trauma, Flashbacks and Dissociative Disorders
- AM I: In a Panic Attack or Trauma Response or Dissociation or Menopause? How Do I Tell The Difference?
My Struggles With Alcoholism
2018
- Mystic Order – Reiki Level 3A – 21 Day Cleanse – My Alcoholism Is Gone
- Spiritual Discipline – My Alcohol Addiction – My Story Now
- Personal Development – Still Alcohol Free
2019
- Is Too Much a Choice or Addiction?
- Personal Development – After 10 Months – This Wild Woman Is Drinking Again
- Reiki Principle For Today – I Will Not Worry
- Personal Development – This Wild Woman Still Struggles With Alcohol
2020
- One Year No Beer – 28-Day Alcohol Free Challenge
- Personal Development – A Wild Woman Redefined? Absolutely!
- Personal Development – Living Alcohol Free – Day 78
2021
2023
2024
2025
- Overthinking & The Joys Of Living My Twenty-Four Hour AA Program
- From Anxiety To Sobriety: My Life Journey From 52 – 56
- The Distinct Languages of AA, DBT & CPT
- Am I Willing To Trust In God?
2026
Present Day
On February 9th, 2022, I had a long-overdue thorough psychological assessment by a seasoned psychiatrist.
At long last, at 52 years old, I was finally properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.
This blog series called Owning and Unraveling Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder is my way of processing and understanding these complex personality disorders and how they manifest, interfere with and enhance my life.
Perhaps, as it has been said to me from friends who have family members with Borderline Personality Disorder, I can help dispel misconceptions and stigmas associated with these mental illnesses.
And hopefully I can shed some light and more personal information on what living with Histrionic Personality Disorder is like as I review each symptom and diagnostic criteria and how they show up (past or present) in my life.
With hope,
Stephanie, 🩵🌻
Quick Links To The Blogs In This Series Living Successfully With BPD & HPD:
Borderline Personality Disorder
Forget Everything I’ve Said – I’ve Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Introduction to Symptoms & Causes
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Strong Opinions & Identity Crisis
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Not PTSD – It’s Emotions – Borderline Style
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Empathic Abilities & Intentional Interventions
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Overlapping Symptoms & What Type Of & How BPD Am I?
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Starting EMDR – Creating New Pathways To Calm
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – The Pros and Cons of Medical THC & CBD
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Gratitude For A Wild & Crazy Life
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Behind My Mona Lisa Smile – What BPD Feels Like For Me
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – The Hulk Uses Dialectical Behaviour Therapy
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Coping With The Inner Critic
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Unstable & Fragile Identities
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Highlights Of DBT’s Emotional Regulation Skills
Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Highlights Of DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
Living With Borderline Personally Disorder – DBT – Skills Thermometer – A DBT Skills Anchor Chart
BPD And The Quiet Pain Of Rejection
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Introduction & Symptoms & Diagnostic Criteria
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Shallow, Changeable Emotions
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Assumed Intimacy With Others
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Hypersensitivity To Criticism
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Manipulative Behaviour
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Sexually Provocative Behaviour
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – A Compulsive Desire For Attention
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Preoccupation With Appearance
Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Suggestible & Easily Influenced
© Stephanie Wells – Joyful Stephanie – Living an Authentic Life – 2014-2026. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.
August 2nd, 2026 – East Uniacke, Nova Scotia – Penny Lane – Joyful Stephanie & Vinnie
