This is my question for the morning as I ponder a rough night last night.

Is what I went through a panic attack?

A trauma response?

Dissociation?

Or menopause?

Or, all of the above?

It is not my first time having these stressful episodes that make me feel like I am loosing my mind, that I can trust no one because people will hurt me, and my body – on its own – starts having somatic release.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow through Community Mental Health and Addictions (CMHA), a government funded (public) mental health service.

An appointment that, in these COVID days of overwhelming the public mental and physical health care system – I am so very lucky to have secured. Typical waiting times to see a psychiatrist for a one hour session in the Nova Scotia public mental health system can take up to 5 months or even longer.

I’ve waited about four months for this appointment. It took my family doctor, my therapist and myself to advocate and actually get the ball started to get the coveted appointment.

Before I was even given an appointment to see the psychiatrist, I first had to be pre-screened by an intake worker. This involved a rigorous assessment with a social worker. I advocated for myself like a mad woman desperate for help. I listed everything I was doing to live a healthy, empowered life – but felt like I didn’t have control over my life because of the intense level of anxiety and dissociation I can experience.

Seems I passed the test, and my appointment with the psychiatrist was booked at a much earlier date than even anticipated by the social worker who screened me.

Then this serendipitous event happened where, long story short, I recently changed therapists and my new therapist knows the psychiatrist I am scheduled to see because she once worked in the same public mental health building where my psychiatrist appointment is.

I then asked my therapist how a proper diagnosis of my brain can be done in one hour by someone who has never met me before?

My therapist comforted my fears, indicating there will probably be more than one session with the doctor.

Time to Prepare

So, here I am.

I am taking today to prepare for what feels like the most important appointment I’ve had in a long time – to finally know what is wrong with my brain.

I’m going to start, for my own purposes, to write a closer look at what each issue I wonder I am having, to help me be prepared for tomorrow’s appointment.

I’ve written recently about Trauma, Flashbacks and Dissociative Disorders.

But, here I am today. With new musings and wonderings as I try to find my way…

Panic Attack

Photo Credit – verywellmind.com

I can identify with most of the symptoms. Last night I experienced the sweating, nausea, numbness in my hands and feet (common for me), hyperventilation. The somatic release was more intense than trembling and shaking. Thanks to my Fitbit, I know my heart rate spiked to 130bpm.

Trauma Response

This has been a new experience for me, as these episodes started a few years ago.

A couple of these episodes have been witnessed by trained trauma therapists and have been labeled as trauma response.

I found an excellent article on what living with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder feels like when I googled symptoms of trauma response.

I read it out loud to my husband, who was able to verify that I consistently experience a majority of what the article describes.

I will list the specific sub-titles that describe what the article speaks of, of what living with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder feels like:

1. Deep Fear of Trust
2. Terminal Aloneness
3. Emotional Regulation
4. Emotional Flashbacks
5. Hypervigilance About People
6. Loss of Faith
7. Profoundly Hurt Inner Child
8. Helplessness and Toxic Shame
9. Repeated Search for a Rescuer
10. Dissociation
11. Persistent Sadness and Being Suicidal
12. Muscle Armoring

Here is the link to the article that goes into details of each subtitle:

12 Life Impacting Symptoms Complex PTSD Survivors Endure

Complex PTSD, according to my internet search, seems to be a new and upcoming term for those who suffered trauma over many months and years verses PTSD that is a result of a singular traumatic episode.

Photo Credit – in2uract – A Therapist’s Journal

Dissociation

This is, feels, very different from a panic attack. It can feel like a trauma response, but is more a part of a trauma response when I feel like I am a younger age/part (dissociation) while (as I’m learning) experiencing emotional flashbacks and other symptoms of the trauma response.

I also experience dissociation on a daily basis, without the loud volume of the trauma response taking over. This feels like I am in a dream or outside of myself – not connected to myself or I feel like a younger age has taken over and is driving the bus of my brain.

Difficult to explain.

Add to that, the lack of trust (bordering on paranoia) that is always simmering beneath the surface.

From: mayoclinic.org

“Signs and symptoms depend on the type of dissociative disorders you have, but may include:

• Memory loss (amnesia) of certain time periods, events, people and personal information
• A sense of being detached from yourself and your emotions
• A perception of the people and things around you as distorted and unreal
• A blurred sense of identity
• Significant stress or problems in your relationships, work or other important areas of your life
• Inability to cope well with emotional or professional stress
• Mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts and behaviors”

This diagnosis is certainly one for the professionals.

Menopause

I’ve been menopausal for a few years now, with recent bloodwork confirming I am post-menopausal.

Menopause is such a mystery to me, because I can’t tell when it started. I had a hysterectomy at least ten years ago. I’d say my hot flashes became noticeable in my memory about five years ago.

I blogged about it:

It’s Official – I’m at The Start of Menopause!

It’s Official – I’m in Menopause! The Craziness IS Real!

A recent conversation with my family doctor confirmed that menopause hot flashes/night sweats and PTSD hot flashes/sweating can appear the same.

How do I tell the difference between a menopausal hot flash and a PTSD hot flash?

How do I tell the difference between a menopausal mood swing and PTSD irritability and always on edge – hyper-vigilance?

Photo Credit – verywellhealth.com

Conclusion

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I guess this is why there are trained professionals out there who can sort through mental health symptoms that overlap, to determine which one is the best fit.

I wonder what my diagnosis will be?

I’m looking forward to the journey…

S, 🌼

Update

January 24th, 2022 – I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder.

July 30th, 2024 – At the time of writing this blog (January of 2022), I was taking medically prescribed CBD and THC to navigate living in a triggering environment. The amount of CBD and THC I was taking was unregulated and exasperated my BPD trigger responses. I eventually stopped taking it.

The serendipitous therapist didn’t work out for me because she was in private practice and we couldn’t afford for me to see her to make the therapy effective.

As well, in 2023 we moved out of the triggering environment onto our own property.

Now in a safe environment, on top of taking 150mg of Effexor each day, I began taking Psilocybin mushrooms to help calm my nervous system, but like CBD and THC – it’s unregulated and eventually stopped working for me as my tolerance (like the CBD & THC) quickly increased. Not to mention the cost. CBD, THC and Psilocybin mushrooms are very expensive.

On top of my mental health struggles is my alcoholism. I eventually stopped drinking and now attend a 12 Step program to maintain my sobriety.

I would reconnect with Community Mental Health and Addictions (CMHA) a publicly funded mental health service. I was assigned a therapist.

With this therapist, I was put on a 13 Week Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) Group waiting list. DBT is a therapy specifically made for those with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Today, I am free of any mind altering substances (THC & Psilocybin mushrooms), have almost a year of sobriety with my alcoholism while actively involved in a 12-Step Program and am attending the 13 Week Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Group for my BPD.

Below are two blog series. One is my ongoing journey with my BPD and HPD. The other is my struggles with alcoholism.

S, 🌻

Quick Links To The Blogs In This Series Living Successfully With BPD & HPD:

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Borderline Personality Disorder

Forget Everything I’ve Said – I’ve Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Introduction to Symptoms & Causes

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – Rambling Through Confusion Towards Clarity

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Bits On Biosocial Theory & Learning To Ride Out Intense Emotions Rather Than Focusing On Why I Am Having Them

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Strong Opinions & Identity Crisis

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Not PTSD – It’s Emotions – Borderline Style

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Empathic Abilities & Intentional Interventions

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Overlapping Symptoms & What Type Of & How BPD Am I?

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – DBT’s Mindful Breathing & Participating With Awareness – Grounding Words

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – The Stigma & Social Pariah Of Personality Disorders

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Is This Effective & Willing Hands Half Smile & The Middle Path

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Starting EMDR – Creating New Pathways To Calm

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – The Pros and Cons of Medical THC & CBD

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder & HistrionicPersonality Disorder – Amber Heard VS Johnny Depp

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Gratitude For A Wild & Crazy Life

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Anxious – Ambivalent (Preoccupied) Attachment Style & Fear of Abandonment

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Behind My Mona Lisa Smile – What BPD Feels Like For Me

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – The Hulk Uses Dialectical Behaviour Therapy

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – DBT Skills Need Time & Everyday Practice To Become A Part Of Me

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Coping With The Inner Critic

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Unstable & Fragile Identities

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Highlights Of DBT’s Mindfulness & Distress Tolerance Skills

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Highlights Of DBT’s Emotional Regulation Skills

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – My Ability To Self-Validate Grows When I Live In Alignment With My Values

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Highlights Of DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

Living With Borderline Personally Disorder – DBT – Skills Thermometer – A DBT Skills Anchor Chart

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Histrionic Personality Disorder

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Introduction & Symptoms & Diagnostic Criteria

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Shallow, Changeable Emotions

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Assumed Intimacy With Others

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Hypersensitivity To Criticism 

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Manipulative Behaviour

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Sexually Provocative Behaviour

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – A Compulsive Desire For Attention

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Preoccupation With Appearance

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Suggestible & Easily Influenced

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© Stephanie Wells – Joyful Stephanie – Living an Authentic Life – 2014-2026. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

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My Struggles With Alcoholism

• Mystic Order – Reiki Level IIIA – 21 Day Cleanse – A Miracle Has Happened
• Spiritual Discipline – My Alcohol Addiction – My Story Now
• Personal Development – Cutting the Ties That Bind – Saying Goodbye to Alcohol
• Is Too Much a Choice or Addiction?
• Personal Development – A Wild Woman’s Journey With Drinking and Hedonism While Walking the Spiritual Path
• Personal Development – A Wild Woman’s Slow Transformation Towards Her Best Self
• Reiki Principle For Today – I Will Not Worry
• OYNB – One Year No Beer – This Wild Woman’s Successful Journey of the 28 Day Challenge and Beyond!
• Personal Development – A Wild Woman Walking the Spiritual Path – A Wild Woman Redefined? Absolutely!
• Personal Development – Living Alcohol Free – Musings During Day 78
• Reiki Principle For Today – I Will Do My Work Honestly
• Personal Development – Living An Alcohol Free Life – Year One
• Another Layer
• 365 Days of Sobriety: My Journey and Triggers
• I’m No Longer Ashamed Of Being An Alcoholic
• A Bountiful Bevy Of Sagacious Skills
• A Life Of Sobriety Allows Me Deeper Connection With Family & Friends
• From Domes To Sunflowers – Dogs & Sobriety – While Becoming A Better Self
• The Man Who Reminds Me I Cannot Have Just One Drink
• This Joyful Alcoholic Has Lost Interest In Bar Hopping & Any Type Of Partying
• The Consequences Of Drinking And Driving
• My Favourite People To Be Around
• Proper Mental Health Diagnoses. Feeling Safe. Accepting I Am An Alcoholic.
• Overthinking & The Joys Of Living My Twenty-Four Hour AA Program
• Accepting I Am An Alcoholic
• From Anxiety To Sobriety: My Life Journey From 52 – 56

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