Living With Borderline Personality Disorder - Bits On Biosocial Theory & Learning To Ride Out Intense Emotions Rather Than Focusing On Why I Am Having Them

Introduction To My Blog Series: Living Successfully With Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder

I was 27 years old when I entered into the realization that there was something wrong with me and one of the original diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD.

I say something wrong with me because I was just not able to manage my life on my own and somehow knew there was something wrong with my mind.

Back then, not a lot was known about this horribly stigmatized disorder because BPD patients were considered impossible to treat or wrongly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

Along with BPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) and Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS) were also added to my diagnostic mix.

ADHD was quickly debunked and over the past two decades most professionals leaned towards my having PTSD or a Dissociative Disorder – but something about these disorders never seemed to fit.

Add menopause to the mix and the confusion became even more confusing.

Anxiety

Here are past blogs I’ve written about my struggles with anxiety and what felt like PTSD or DDNOS:

My Struggles With Alcoholism

Present Day

On February 9th, 2022, I had a thorough psychological assessment by a seasoned psychiatrist. At long last, at 52 years old, I was finally properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.

This blog series called Owning and Unraveling Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder is my way of processing and understanding these complex personality disorders and how they manifest, interfere with and enhance my life.

Perhaps, as it has been said to me from friends who have family members with Borderline Personality Disorder, I can help dispel misconceptions and stigmas associated with these mental illnesses.

And hopefully I can shed some light and more personal information on what living with Histrionic Personality Disorder is like as I review each symptom and diagnostic criteria and how they show up (past or present) in my life.

With hope,

Stephanie, 🩵🌻

Searching For Authentic Self

This week my therapeutic journey has been focusing on authentic self and mindfulness.

Authentic self is something I’ve been searching for, for as far back as I can remember.

In my early twenties, I remember searching out ways to get to know who I am, and find where I fit into this world – to bring myself peace.

During those times, I tried many different practices to find peace like Tai Chi and Qi Gong.

I also studied and practiced Healing Touch.

Still, I felt lost in this vortex of the world, unable to find my way.

All because (I thought) I had childhood trauma.

Which, I had.

But it was something else that was bringing me to this level of distress, of struggling to live in the world.

BPD & Biosocial Theory

As a child I developed maladaptive ways of getting my needs met, that were supported by genetics and being born a sensitive child.

This is what makes BPD and HPD so stigmatic – because I developed it.

More specifically, I amplified my behaviours to get my needs met.

My adaptation to the world around me to get my needs met was based on my genetics, environment and sensitive predisposition to then consequently develop into BPD. This explanation is called Biosocial Theory.

My therapist’s explanation of BPD aligns with how BPD happens in Borderline Personality for Dummies by Charles H. Elliott and Laura L. Smith.

My therapist has lots of experience working with those with BPD, as she worked in public mental health & addictions for over 20 years.

She is now in private practice.

That is all I’m going to say on the causes of BPD, as I still have lots to learn.

I haven’t asked my therapist much about HPD, as her focus is on BPD.

My gut tells me that HPD develops much the same as BPD – as a way to get my needs met.

Riding Out Emotions

For decades, when I felt intense feelings of fear my body went into (and still does go into) fight, flight or freeze mode. I assumed this was a PTSD flashback because the feelings were so intense.

I would then become much more anxious as I would wonder what the hell was happening to me that would cause such a strong emotional reaction. What PTSD trauma was I blocking or unaware of that my body was trying to tell me?

I would then spiral into more fear.

I become fixated on trying to figure out the cause of this intense fear in my body.

This would scared me so much.

What would be revealed?

For now, I have to stop trying to figure out the “why” when my body feels an intense emotion.

I have to step back and ride it out.

I have to ride out the waves of intense emotion.

While not analyzing the intense emotion, or judge it and label it “good or bad”.

silhouette of woman standing against sunset — Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Pexels.com

Practice

I am so very grateful I have a few years of listening to the Calm app with meditation instructors Tamara Levitt and Jeff Warren under my belt.

I’ve been listening for almost two years on how to be in my body and then observe what is going on.

However, I’m still unable do this practice for very long, especially when I’m in intense emotions. It’s impossible for me to settle enough to get to the place to be mindful and practice meditation.

But, I’m learning that when I am not triggered into strong emotions and am able to observe sensations in my body, I am strengthening my meditation concentration muscles.

Perhaps one day my meditation concentration muscles will be strong enough to use when I am activated in strong emotions.

This simple practice is hard.

And, just like running and kayaking, I can’t imagine my life without meditation and mindfulness.

I think I can see the bigger picture of being able to observe and not judge intense emotions when activated in them, and how mindfulness and meditation will eventually help with that.

S, 🌻

July 28th, 2020 - Campell River, Vancouver Island, British Columbia - Eagle & Bear & Salmon Totem Pole — July 28th, 2020 – Campell River, Vancouver Island, British Columbia – Eagle & Bear & Salmon Totem Pole

Quick Links To The Blogs In This Series Living Successfully With BPD & HPD:

Borderline Personality Disorder

Forget Everything I’ve Said – I’ve Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Introduction to Symptoms & Causes

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – Rambling Through Confusion Towards Clarity

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Bits On Biosocial Theory & Learning To Ride Out Intense Emotions Rather Than Focusing On Why I Am Having Them

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Strong Opinions & Identity Crisis

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Not PTSD – It’s Emotions – Borderline Style

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Empathic Abilities & Intentional Interventions

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Overlapping Symptoms & What Type Of & How BPD Am I?

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – DBT’s Mindful Breathing & Participating With Awareness – Grounding Words

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – The Stigma & Social Pariah Of Personality Disorders

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Is This Effective & Willing Hands Half Smile & The Middle Path

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Starting EMDR – Creating New Pathways To Calm

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – The Pros and Cons of Medical THC & CBD

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder & HistrionicPersonality Disorder – Amber Heard VS Johnny Depp

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Gratitude For A Wild & Crazy Life

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Anxious – Ambivalent (Preoccupied) Attachment Style & Fear of Abandonment

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Behind My Mona Lisa Smile – What BPD Feels Like For Me

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – The Hulk Uses Dialectical Behaviour Therapy

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – DBT Skills Need Time & Everyday Practice To Become A Part Of Me

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Coping With The Inner Critic

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Unstable & Fragile Identities

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Highlights Of DBT’s Mindfulness & Distress Tolerance Skills

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Highlights Of DBT’s Emotional Regulation Skills

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – My Ability To Self-Validate Grows When I Live In Alignment With My Values

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder – Highlights Of DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

Living With Borderline Personally Disorder – DBT – Skills Thermometer – A DBT Skills Anchor Chart

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Introduction & Symptoms & Diagnostic Criteria

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Shallow, Changeable Emotions

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Assumed Intimacy With Others

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Hypersensitivity To Criticism

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Manipulative Behaviour

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Sexually Provocative Behaviour

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – A Compulsive Desire For Attention

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Preoccupation With Appearance

Living With Histrionic Personality Disorder – Suggestible & Easily Influenced

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