As my 56th birthday approaches, I’ve decided to repost blogs about past birthdays.

I wrote Embracing 50: Wanting Freedom From Emotional & Cognitive Suffering on March 1st, 2019 while we were living in Doha, Qatar.

The therapy I mention in this blog puts Borderline Personality Disorder on the table, a diagnosis the therapist wanted to explore with me. However, our time was cut short because of shocking news in April.

Sadly, April brought a sudden end to Michael’s international contract; his position was not renewed.

We had to repatriate back to Canada.

In hindsight – it would be another three years of emotional and mental turmoil – until February 9th, 2022 – when I was properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.

I finally had answers to a lot of the why’s of my emotional and cognitive sufferings that I had been wondering about back in 2019.

I hope you enjoy my reflections in this blog.

It is only through sharing our humanity, can we remain human.

S, 🌻

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Embracing 50: Wanting Freedom From Emotional & Cognitive Suffering

Originally Published: March 1st, 2019

I’m Not Going To Live Forever

In less than 2 months, I will be turning 50 years old.

Turning 50 has been on my mind since January, knowing this is the year I earn the honour of saying I’m half a century old.

But I didn’t think turning 50 was an honour back in January.

January, my mindset was I would be saying goodbye to my youth.

I was crossing that line of no return – getting old!

Meaning: I’m not going to live forever.  

I’m not always going to have the youthful face looking back at me in the mirror that (thanks to my grandmother’s youthful DNA) has been relatively unchanged for 30 years.

While my body itself has shown the slow progress of aging, my mind, my spirit feels ageless.  

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Deeply Ingrained Maladaptive Coping Skills

Yet, I still have deeply ingrained maladaptive coping skills.

I am unable to free myself from them, and I can’t understand why.

I’ve been working on my emotional and cognitive well-being since I was 27 years old.  

Here I am, 23 years later and I still seem to be struggling with the same issues.

I ask myself why?

And why can I see this so clearly now – that I am still on the same maladaptive emotional and cognitive hamster wheel, running myself into exhaustion trying to change, but cannot.

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Reiki Level III – Master Level A & August 31st, 2018

Is it because of taking my Reiki Level III – Master Level A, that initiates a Reiki practitioner to a deeper, more profound connection with Source?

At the Master Reiki Level, you cannot escape having to face yourself – to look deeply within – much more than Level II – whether you’re ready for it or not.

That is why it is so important the Reiki Master Teacher is able to discern if a Level II practitioner is ready to move forward – or not.

I was initiated into Master Level A on July 20th, 2018.

During the last few days of the required 21 Day Cleanse, on August 31st, 2018 – my desire to drink alcohol stopped.

I have been alcohol free ever since.

Maybe because I have been alcohol free for 7 months – and my brain feels clear?

Therefore, can I see my maladaptive coping skills more clearly because I’m not using alcohol to numb them?

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Is It Because I Feel Safe In My Marriage

Is it because I finally feel safe in a personal relationship?

My husband Michael loves me unconditionally.  

He never threatens to take his love away or punish me or yell at me or threaten me if I do or say something he doesn’t agree with.

He doesn’t play games.

He doesn’t take advantage of me.

The balance of power between us feels relatively equal.

His love is stable.  

His love is secure, mature; he walks along side me – supporting me as best as he can – with respect.

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Financially Secure & Financially Independent From My Family

Is it because I am finally financially secure as well as financially independent from my family?

I no longer have to rely on family for financial aid as I once did, many times, over the years.

Financial help was a result of my struggles with alcohol and my mental health while trying to find my place in the world.  

I am now personally financially successful in a career I enjoy as well as having a husband who is financially stable and secure.

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Distance From Family

Is it because I now live so far from my family that the distance and years away have given me clearer lenses to see how we really are rather than what I thought we were?

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Is it because I finally feel authentic enough, safe enough, financially independent enough and free enough to start to be able to feel worthy enough to listen to my truest, deepest dreams in life and go get them?

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But – Still I Struggle

This here is the key – I still need to deal with these maladaptive coping skills.

However, maybe I am at this perfect storm as I approach 50 to find the answers as to why I still struggle emotionally and cognitively.

I will be bringing these maladaptive coping skills to a therapist because their emotional pain is so confusing.

I need wisdom and guidance to help me through.

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Scared Little Girl Within

Turning 50 seems to be a rite of passage.

I hope this rite of passage gives me permission to stop giving a shit about what people think of me.

This deeply ingrained “people pleaser” within myself is a part of those maladaptive coping skills I spoke of earlier.

Here is what this maladaptive coping skill looks like for me on a daily basis:

• What if I upset someone?
• What if I do something that someone doesn’t like?
• What if I offend someone?
• What if I get in trouble?
• What will happen to me?

Can you hear the scared little girl trapped within me?

I can!  Loudly, every day!

The grounded adult in me knows better; but this little girl’s scared voice is so loud right now I can hardly hear anything else.

Her voice is the sound of enmeshment and a paralyzing fear of abandonment.

Approaching 50, I need to finally be free of this.

I need therapy to help guide and support me.

I hope it helps.

In my 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s my diagnosis list, simple put, changed according to therapist.

This is my diagnoses list:

• Borderline Personality Disorder – BPD – put on the table – not officially diagnosed
• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – PTSD – put on the table – not officially diagnosed
• Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder – ADHD
• Disorder Not Otherwise Specified – DDNOS
• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – PTSD – put on the table – not officially diagnosed
• Anxiety and depression

I never really found my way through DDNOS nor truly understood it.  

Medication for ADHD didn’t work for me – plus it did not seem to show itself in my childhood – a must have for a proper ADHD diagnosis.

Therapists, like lawyers, doctors, teachers – any certified professional – has it’s good ones and not so good ones.

You would like to think that a certified therapist has their eduction and ethical code woven within their DNA – but not all do.

Exhale.

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Many Parts Within

We all have many parts within us.  

Healing our many parts is all about integration and balance.

Freud talks about the Id, ego and super-ego.

Jung introduced archetypes as well as Anima and Animus.

Caroline Myss talks about Archetypes.  

John Bradshaw promotes Inner Child work.

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A little caveat – back in my early twenties when I was in a horribly abusive relationship, I’ll never forget my very first glimpse into healing yourself and your family outside of organized religion.

It was on PBS – Bradshaw On: The Family.  This was the first time I’d ever heard someone say the word dysfunction and talk about shame, hurts, secrets and how to heal yourself and your family.

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I still have work to do.

I’m hoping this time will be a little easier than it has been in the last 3 decades.

I doubt it.  

I feel a big grief cycle coming on; mourning what is rather than what I thought it was.

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Looking Back

This could be me looking back at my history.

There sure is a lot of it – a large pyramid to climb.

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Looking Ahead – With The Past Behind Me

This could be me, looking ahead with the past behind me.

Perhaps this will be the year I will FINALLY feel the freedom this empowerment brings.

S, 🌻

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