As my 56th birthday approaches, I’ve decided to repost blogs about past birthdays.

I wrote Embracing 50: Decoding My Diagnosis: Navigating Mental Health Challenges on March 26th, 2019 while we were living in Doha, Qatar.

Rereading this blog reflects an important truth for me:

I can’t advocate enough the importance of a proper mental health diagnosis.

My diagnoses in 2022 of Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder does not define me – they guide me on a path to wellness.

Here is a BPD fact:

According to Borderline Personality for Dummies by Charles H. Elliott and Laura L. Smith,

Sometimes people with BPD appear surprisingly able to read cues from other people. They seem almost able to enter other people’s psyches and become one in the same. However, most of the time, people with BPD fail to grasp the reasons behind and the implications of what people are thinking and feeling. In other words, they know what other people are feeling, but they don’t understand why they’re feeling that way or what their feelings mean.

Borderline Personality for Dummies by Charles H. Elliott and Laura L. Smith, – Page 108-109

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Interestingly, the something not right I sensed from Michael that I write about at the end of this birthday blog is actually the BPD way of sensing what people are feeling, but not understanding why.

The struggle is real.

Depending on the day, how tired I am or how emotionally attached I am – I still take other people’s feelings personally. It takes great effort for me to step back mindfully and observe with curiosity.

However, my current therapist is deeply skilled with those diagnosed with BPD and well-versed in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT).

She reminds me of the DBT skills I have been taught and to come back to a mindful, curious, observing mind when I feel emotionally responsible for everyone and everything around me.

As well, I am now 627 days sober and an active member of a 12-Step program. I practice the spiritual principles of the program to keep to my own side of the street and Let Go & Let God.

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Michael has always carried a sadness with him, yet struggles to explain it.

His sadness cycles like clockwork.

Michael and I talk about his sadness and that perhaps it is a type of depression, but only he can decide to see a qualified professional to be properly tested for it.

This is what makes mental health so tricky. Not everyone is willing to get the help they need that could change their life for the better and all those they love who are affected by it.

S, 🌻

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Embracing 50: Decoding My Diagnosis: Navigating Mental Health Challenges

Originally Published: March 26th, 2019

Heading Towards 50 – Tired Of Crazy

I imagine the kind of woman I want to be in my 50’s.

Calm, grounded, confident.

Comfortable in her own skin.

Yet, there are a few obstacles to getting there.

My struggles with alcohol.

My struggles with mental health.

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Start Of Therapy (Again)

Recently, I contacted my husband’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) to request therapy.

I started seeing a lovely expat psychologist from Australia.

One session with her made more sense to me compared to the decades of therapy behind me

The psychologist asked if the therapy I had over the years had helped?

I answered yes and no because no-one could decide what my diagnosis was.

I told her my history.

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It Started At A Mental Health Hospital

I was in my late twenties when I first entered a mental health hospital for help.

According to the intake psychiatrist – my original presenting symptoms appeared to be Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  

While attending a Mental Health Day Treatment Program at that mental health hospital, the in-house psychiatrist tested and thought Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) was a possible diagnosis for me.

However, not much time and effort was invested in my possible BPD/PTSD diagnoses.

A person had to be at high risk to themselves or others to get the help they needed in the overrun public mental health hospital.

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Diagnoses Dilemmas

I eventually found the therapy I needed and spent 5 years at a government funded – not-for-profit sexual assault centre – meaning therapy was free.  My therapist was a wonderful woman who focused on sexual abuse.

We kept hitting a wall so she referred me to a private practice psychiatrist for a deeper look and an official diagnosis.  

He diagnosed me with PTSD, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) and Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS).

I felt like a true head case.  

He medicated me for ADHD. I was then concurrently seeing the psychiatrist for the ADHD and DDNOS and the therapist at the sexual assault centre for PTSD.  

I eventually had to stop seeing the psychiatrist because of my work schedule.*

*The actual reason for my having to stop seeing the psychiatrist is too long and complicated to describe here. Let’s just say The College of Physicians and Surgeons of Nova Scotia (CPSNS) wanted me to file a formal complaint.

The therapist I was seeing at the sexual assault centre moved to another clinic. I wasn’t allowed to continue my therapy for PTSD at the sexual assault centre because after 5 years they needed to give new patients in acute crisis the therapy time.

I was left feeling angry and abandoned because I still struggled with being able to be a productive member of society.  

My job at that time was managing a pizza shop.  I couldn’t make a living there. I was barely making ends meet.

I did not return to the public mental health system to support my ADHD, PTSD and DDNOS because I wasn’t high-risk enough to merit immediate support – and for those who did qualify, like myself – with “official diagnoses”, the waiting lists to see a therapist were incredibly long.

So I turned to my local doctor who continued to monitor my ADHD medication.  

I labeled myself as a person with ADHD, tucking PTSD and DDNOS away in my back pocket.

I read and studied as much as I could about ADHD – embracing it yet struggled with little outside support.

My ADHD certified diagnosis allowed me government funding to go back to school, in hopes that I would become a productive member of society.  

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Not ADHD

Years past.

In my early 40’s I eventually found a job that offered an Employee Assistance Program – EAP.

The EAP allotted 4 or 5 appointments with a psychiatrist. I was eager to return to therapy because I was struggling to keep my head above water.

Unfortunately, I did not have enough sessions for continual support but enough sessions for the doctor to disagree with the ADHD diagnosis.

When the EAP psychiatrist asked about my history and how did ADHD manifest in childhood, I told him like I told the other psychiatrist that my mother kept all my report cards from kindergarten up to when I graduated from high school and ADHD symptoms were not written as teacher concerns.

The EAP psychiatrist explained that ADHD has to be present in childhood to be diagnosed as an adult. I did not have ADHD.  What I did present with is someone who appears to have PTSD that can look very much like ADHD.  

He took me off the ADHD medication, tested for PTSD and medicated me for anxiety.

I passed the PTSD test but an official diagnosis was not given.

DDNOS didn’t even have time to be discussed because all the sessions focused on moving my diagnosis from ADHD to what appeared to be PTSD.

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I was shocked.

It felt like the years I lived thinking I had ADHD was a lie.

I advocated for ADHD.  I understood it.  I lived it.  Only to find out I didn’t have it.  Confusing times those were.

I was not able to afford private therapy sessions with the EAP psychiatrist after our funded sessions finished.

He felt bad that I couldn’t continue to see him, but money talks. I returned to my local doctor with a possible diagnosis of PTSD and a new anxiety medication script. She continued to monitor this medication and possible PTSD symptoms as best as she could.  

Not ideal, but it was support.

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But Something Wasn’t Right

However, like ADHD, PTSD didn’t seem to fit either.

During this time, I was a sea kayak guide at a local outfitters.

I kayaked with a guy who was a tank driver in the Bosnian War.

He watched children die.  

He suffered greatly with PTSD.  Flashbacks and nightmares haunted him, drove him into isolation.

We talked a lot about PTSD when kayaking.

My so called PTSD was nothing like his.

Yet, my constant and intense anxiety, high-risk/impulsive behaviour, chronic low self-worth and ability to dissociate fit on the PTSD continuum.

I passed the PTSD test.

But I also passed the ADHD test.

Those years were very confusing as I felt like I was wearing a hat that didn’t fit.

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Alcohol Struggles

I struggled with drinking before moving to Qatar in 2015.

I was still taking medication for anxiety when I arrived in the Middle East and eventually weaned myself off because I wanted a fresh start – prescription free –  to see how crazy I really was.

However, my drinking quickly escalated because it was now my go-to to calm my anxiety and everything else life presented to me.

I am happy to say, right now, I am 7 months of living alcohol free.

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What Diagnosis Fits The Best

The EAP psychologist asked me of all my diagnoses, which one did I feel fit the most?

That was a huge question.

I related to PTSD but never fully understood it because I had so many diagnosis.

DDNOS?  Well, I dissociated and could relate to the different aspects of myself that lent itself to this diagnosis but again – I had so many diagnosis – what was what?

I know now I never had ADHD because of the missing childhood criteria.

BPD was never a focus in therapy.

What I did know of BPD was only that which I’ve recently read online because of my reflecting on becoming 50 years old and my past history.

So she asked, which diagnosis did I feel fit me the most?

ADHD, PTSD, DDNOS and BPD all look a lot alike.

Honestly, I would have to say that after retelling my history – BPD fit the best.

The psychologist agreed.

We didn’t discuss this too much or go into depth at that time as there were many topics on the table while I explained my history, and our one hour session was coming to an end.

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Had It Been BPD All Along?

Is it possible that this personality disorder is what I’ve been living with all these years?

I have 5 more sessions with this psychologist, funded by EAP.

However, I can now afford to continue seeing her after the EAP sessions are up.

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The Importance Of A Proper Diagnosis

Some might wonder why I need to know if I have a diagnosis?

Because I need to understand:

• 37 jobs by the time I was 37
• a pattern of high-risk/impulsive behaviours
• chronic struggles with alcohol
• chronic anxiety, fear and guilt
• chronic and excessive people pleasing
• a history of unstable relationships
• a history of erratic rollercoaster rides of emotional highs and lows
• a deep-down knowing that something is wrong with me
• And, no matter how hard I tried, I struggle to change

I need to make sense of those chaotic, confusing times that were part of the path that brought me to where I am today.

Did I make certain choices over the years because I am a bad, reckless, selfish person?

Or is it that my brain is truly hardwired a certain way because of nature and nurture?

A proper diagnosis will help give me direction and heal my heart that carries so much shame and guilt.

I want my fifties to be free of the shame, confusion and guilt I have carried for the past three decades.

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Retreat Spa In Kerala, India

In two days I travel to the southern coast of India to immerse myself in health and healing at Carnoustie Ayurveda & Wellness Resort.

I struggle to give myself permission to relax into this because there is an air of something not quite right with Michael that I assume to be his not being of pleased with my taking this time for myself.

He says he’s fine with it, but his energy betrays a sadness I don’t understand.

Either does he.

I feel so confused and lost.

S, 🌻

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