Originally published: January 13th, 2020
Codependent No More
My first thought on this rule is Melody Beattie’s book, Codependent No More.
Codependency has many definitions, but my favourite is:
… an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.
For so many years I was only happy when I had someone’s approval for my behaviour and actions. I would inwardly say, “Phew, I am happy, I can relax because no one is upset with me and all is peaceful in my world.”
As a one-time chronic people pleaser, I would fall apart with anxiety and despair when other people didn’t agree with me and/or didn’t like what I was doing or saying. I would desperately try to make things right again, in their eyes – NOT my own.
Therefore, I have been and will always be on a journey of learning and strengthening my inner values of depending on myself for inner peace and happiness, not on the approval of another person to make me happy.
My second thought on this rule is, how do I feel about myself when I sit with myself?
Do I like the person I am?
Am I happy with the choices I’ve made, that I’m living with right now?
Do I celebrate my successes and grow from setbacks?
Do I like myself? Am I comfortable in my own skin?
Is my life aligned with my values?
Do I feel safe and at home with myself?
I will suck the life out of my husband with a constant need to be shown love so I can feel safe, secure and happy. As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I know the debilitating fear of abandonment issues and the constant need for reassurance that my husband will not abandon me.
I’ve come a long way with this. If you you have BPD, check out my blog series on it:
Living Successfully With Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder
I cannot depend on the love of another to fill an empty void within that I must fill myself.
I’ve come to discover that aligning my life with my inherent values and connecting with the Divine Inner Voice we all have has truly helped to fill the emptiness within me. Prayer and meditation helps with this.
Questions
Do you really know what makes you happy?
Are you living someone else’s life instead of you own?
Do you know what your values are and is your life aligned with them?
Are you a happy person?
Are you a glass half-full, glass half-empty or there is a jug of water on the table next to the glass to fill it, kinda person?
Would you be happy if all you had were the basics in life, living a simple life?
Would you be happy, even if you had everything you ever dreamed of?
Because as Jon Kabat Zinn says, wherever you go…there you are.
Are you happy wherever you are?
S, 💛
55 Rules For Love
Introduction Of My Blog Series On The “55 Rules For Love”
55 Rules For Love – Rule #1 – When It Arrives, Cherish It
55 Rules For Love – Rule #2 – Whatever You Accept, You Will Get
55 Rules For Love – Rule # 5 – Don’t Say Words With The Intent To Hurt
55 Rules For Love – Rule # 6 – Accept And Forgive Easily
55 Rules For Love – Rule #7 – Don’t Be Scared To Disagree, It Is Healthy
55 Rules For Love – Rule #8 – Never Be Too Busy For Each Other
55 Rules For Love – Rule #9 – Do Not Punish
55 Rules For Love – Rule #10 – Accept Honest Criticism, It Is Good For Us
55 Rules For Love – Rule #11 – Admit When You Are Wrong, Quickly
55 Rules For Love – Rule #12 – Support Each Other When The Going Gets Tough
55 Rules For Love – Rule # 13 – Live In The Moment – Be Present
55 Rules For Love – Rule #14 – Leave The Past Where It Belongs
55 Rules For Love – Rule #15 – Leave Drama Out Of It
55 Rules For Love – Rule #16 – Don’t Try To Control
55 Rules For Love – Rule #17 – Allow A Small Amount of Jealousy
55 Rules For Love – Rule #18 – Don’t Use Comparisons
55 Rules For Love – Rule #19 – Celebrate Differences
55 Rules For Love – Rule #20 – Communicate Openly and Honestly
55 Rules For Love – Rule #21 – Listen Very Carefully
55 Rules For Love – Rule #22 – Don’t Judge
55 Rules For Love – Rule # 23 – Don’t Manipulate To Get Results
55 Rules For Love – Rule # 24 – Learn and Grow
55 Rules For Love – Rule #25 – Don’t Try To Change Each Other
55 Rules For Love – Rule #26 – Don’t Condemn Each Other’s Family and Friends
55 Rules For Love – Rule #27 – Lines, Flaws and Imperfections are Beautiful
55 Rules For Love – Rule #28 – Trust Your Instincts, But Don’t Be Paranoid
55 Rules For Love – Rule #30 – Instead of Power, Aim For Balance
55 Rules for Love – Rule #31 – Space Is Needed To Breathe And To Grow
55 Rules for Love – Rule #32 – Accept That You Are Both Unique – Never Compare
55 Rules For Love – Rule #33 – Have Fun, Laugh and Play – A Lot
55 Rules For Love – Rule #34 – Be Each Other’s Best Friend
55 Rules For Love – Rule #35 – Don’t Play Mind Games
55 Rules For Love – Rule #36 – Do Not Carelessly Throw Away Love
55 Rules For Love – Rule #37 – Don’t Waste Energy With Negative Thoughts
55 Rules For Love – Rule #38 – Compliment Often
55 Rules For Love – Rule #39 – Discover Each Other
55 Rules For Love – Rule #40 – Be Attentive And Understand What’s Not Said
55 Rules For Love – Rule #41 – Do At Least One Romantic And Thoughtful Thing Every Day
55 Rules For Love – Rule #42 – Take Picnics And Sleep Under The Stars
55 Rules For Love – Rule #43 – Don’t Just Speak About It, Show Love
55 Rules For Love – Rule #44 – Walk Together, Cook Together, Bathe Together, Read Together
55 Rules For Love – Rule #45 – Do Not Be Afraid, Love Requires Surrender
55 Rules For Love – Rule #46 – Be Loyal And Faithful
55 Rules For Love – Rule #47 – Trust
55 Rules For Love – Rule # 48 – Be Grateful
55 Rules For Love – Rule #49 – Fluidity Is Good, Accept Change
55 Rules For Love – Rule #50 – Don’t Sleep On A Fight
55 Rules For Love – Rule #51 – Don’t Cling To It, Know When To Let Go
55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Discover What Turns You Both On And Explore It
55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Make Love, But Also F*ck (Regularly)
55 Rules For Love – Rule #54 – Give And Receive Without Measure
55 Rules For Love – Rule #55 – Never Gamble With What You Can’t Afford To Lose