Originally Published: March 1st, 2020

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Introduction

Michael and I met in 2014, we married in 2015.

Michael’s past, before me has a personal tragedy.

In 2011, he lost his partner Jackie of 12 years to ALS.

I asked Michael to write his thoughts on this rule, about leaving the past where it belongs.

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Letting Go Of The Past After Tragedy

Sometimes, the best thing to do… the right thing to do… is to let go of the past.

I have never been very fond of this particularly overused little bit of self-help advice though because, sometimes it is more appropriate to embrace one’s past.

Of course it is easier to honour the happier more positive moments, but for me there is merit to embracing the darker, sadder or more tragic times in our past as well.

Not a single one among us can say that they have not lived through some form and degree of hardship or suffering. If we drill deep enough into our psyche, each and every one of us will have some form and degree of PTSD. And this quantitative PTSD will obviously be different for each of us.

The sadness and personal troubles in my own life were not as horrible as some have had to endure. In my case, because the form and degree of my suffering and subsequent PTSD was not utterly overwhelming, I can reflect on it and be grateful for the lessons it has taught me and for shaping the person that I in this present moment.

I choose to embrace my past, to acknowledge the importance of unhappy events to creating a reality that is anything but unpleasant.

This decision to embrace or release the past has to be a subjective one. It has to be an entirely personal decision because people are built differently emotionally, as well as physically and mentally. We’ll have different ways and means of processing tragedies.

I have been living alone these past four months, in the home that I lost my partner to ALS in, just over seven years ago. There are no ghosts in this house but there are memories in every room and inside every cardboard box full of stuff. I have been insulated from these memories for six of those seven years because I was away from this house… this town… away from Canada.

Emotions are triggered by memories of a particularly painful moment, and there is nothing to do but allow those emotions to flow. This is, in a very real way, what it means to embrace the past.

Embracing the past is not the same thing as living in the past.

One can find meaning in the present because of things that happened years ago.

My past belongs to me. The collection of experiences and events that make up my life happened only to me. Our history… our separate and distinct pasts are fully subjective experiences and though it may be true that we can not see the forest for the trees… and that we might not always take our own best interest seriously… it is important to allow oneself to feel.

I think the process of embracing or letting go, however the case may be for me, is something with a foggy beginning and a faded ending. I am in the middle right now and nothing feels foggy or faded. It is a time to feel these emotions and allow these memories to flow freely.

~ Michael

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55 Rules For Love

Introduction Of My Blog Series On The “55 Rules For Love”

55 Rules For Love – Rule #1 – When It Arrives, Cherish It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #2 – Whatever You Accept, You Will Get

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 3 – Understand That Love Is A Mirror – It Will Show Us Who We Are If We Allow It To

55 Rules For Love – Rule #4 – Only We Can Make Ourselves Happy, It Is Not The Other Person’s Responsibility

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 5 – Don’t Say Words With The Intent To Hurt

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 6 – Accept And Forgive Easily

55 Rules For Love – Rule #7 – Don’t Be Scared To Disagree, It Is Healthy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #8 – Never Be Too Busy For Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #9 – Do Not Punish

55 Rules For Love – Rule #10 – Accept Honest Criticism, It Is Good For Us

55 Rules For Love – Rule #11 – Admit When You Are Wrong, Quickly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #12 – Support Each Other When The Going Gets Tough

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 13 – Live In The Moment – Be Present

55 Rules For Love – Rule #14 – Leave The Past Where It Belongs

55 Rules For Love – Rule #15 – Leave Drama Out Of It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #16 – Don’t Try To Control

55 Rules For Love – Rule #17 – Allow A Small Amount of Jealousy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #18 – Don’t Use Comparisons

55 Rules For Love – Rule #19 – Celebrate Differences

55 Rules For Love – Rule #20 – Communicate Openly and Honestly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #21 – Listen Very Carefully

55 Rules For Love – Rule #22 – Don’t Judge

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 23 – Don’t Manipulate To Get Results

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 24 – Learn and Grow

55 Rules For Love – Rule #25 – Don’t Try To Change Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #26 – Don’t Condemn Each Other’s Family and Friends

55 Rules For Love – Rule #27 – Lines, Flaws and Imperfections are Beautiful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #28 – Trust Your Instincts, But Don’t Be Paranoid

55 Rules For Love – Rule #29 – Don’t Compromise Your Morals And Values And Don’t Expect Them To Either

55 Rules For Love – Rule #30 – Instead of Power, Aim For Balance

55 Rules for Love – Rule #31 – Space Is Needed To Breathe And To Grow

55 Rules for Love – Rule #32 – Accept That You Are Both Unique – Never Compare

55 Rules For Love – Rule #33 – Have Fun, Laugh and Play – A Lot

55 Rules For Love – Rule #34 – Be Each Other’s Best Friend

55 Rules For Love – Rule #35 – Don’t Play Mind Games

55 Rules For Love – Rule #36 – Do Not Carelessly Throw Away Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #37 – Don’t Waste Energy With Negative Thoughts

55 Rules For Love – Rule #38 – Compliment Often

55 Rules For Love – Rule #39 – Discover Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #40 – Be Attentive And Understand What’s Not Said

55 Rules For Love – Rule #41 – Do At Least One Romantic And Thoughtful Thing Every Day

55 Rules For Love – Rule #42 – Take Picnics And Sleep Under The Stars

55 Rules For Love – Rule #43 – Don’t Just Speak About It, Show Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #44 – Walk Together, Cook Together, Bathe Together, Read Together

55 Rules For Love – Rule #45 – Do Not Be Afraid, Love Requires Surrender

55 Rules For Love – Rule #46 – Be Loyal And Faithful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #47 – Trust

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 48 – Be Grateful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #49 – Fluidity Is Good, Accept Change

55 Rules For Love – Rule #50 – Don’t Sleep On A Fight

55 Rules For Love – Rule #51 – Don’t Cling To It, Know When To Let Go

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Discover What Turns You Both On And Explore It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #53 – Make Love, But Also F*ck (Regularly)

55 Rules For Love – Rule #54 – Give And Receive Without Measure

55 Rules For Love – Rule #55 – Never Gamble With What You Can’t Afford To Lose

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