After many years of confusion, it has finally become clear that my husband has undiagnosed Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
We are on a slow journey of understanding how his beautiful neurodiverse brain manifests in ways that brings both joy and struggle to his life and our marriage.
In the evening while tucked cozily into bed, we’ll read a few pages from Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder by Gina Pera.
We then talk about it. Digest it. And when the time feels right, we read from it, again.
S, 🌻
How I Tried To Make Sense Of Him
Page 10 of Is It You, Me or Adult A.D.D.?, has the results of a survey asking, “Before you learned about ADHD, how did you explain your partner’s problematic traits to yourself or others?”.
I can tell you with certainty I have jokingly called Michael an “absentminded professor” for as long as I can remember.
Immature, for me, feels like I am the parent and he is the stubborn, know-it-all teenager who I have to feed and take care of.
I know his parents had a colourful past. Maybe he has attachment issues? He certainly struggles with emotional connections.
Selfish. Yes, and no in his kind acts of service to others and love of animals.
A free-spirit and thrill seeker, for sure! His CV includes: skydiving, scuba diving, rock climbing, mountain hiking, flying small planes, a multi-talented musician who had his own bands, a creative free-hand artist, a worldwide traveler and adventurer who lived overseas, and so on. He’s a true free-spirit. A genius. A renaissance man.
A workaholic, yes. Especially now with his year three of building our dome home. Every day. All day. All the time.
Substance abuse. He likes his weed. I say he is addicted. He says a heavy user who can quit when he wants to. That said, smoking weed has a positive effect on him. He’s calmer. More in touch with his emotions. Easier to talk with.
Above are the answers from the “Other/Comment (see p. 11)”.
As mentioned, for years I’ve struggled to figure him out. I had considered ADHD based on my own work supporting neurodiverse students in schools. A few years ago I asked him to be tested for it. Our family doctor gave him a simple test asking only a handful of questions. Nothing ever came of it.
So, just like the last bullet in the list, I thought there must be something more than ADHD going on.
With an autistic granddaughter, I often wondered if he was on the spectrum. But, I’ve always questioned, doubted that based on my own knowledge and experience of supporting autistic students in schools. Michael is missing a few of the main diagnostic traits such as social struggles, stimming/repetitive movements and sensory issues.
Trying to figure out my husband’s confusing behaviours has been like trying to hold sand as it slips through my fingers.
After we read these two pages, I saw myself and him so clearly.
I felt such a sense of comfort that I wasn’t alone in the thoughts I had, the reasons I imagined trying to figure him out. They were all there, listed in those two pages.
We laughed, well I laughed a little louder, at the “scatterbrained, absent-minded, absentminded professor” description.
So much of what we read were the words I’ve used to describe my hurts, frustrations and difficulties. Words like selfish, immature, and workaholic.
I felt such a huge wave of relief.
For at long last, the sand I was trying to grasp not only stayed in my hand, I was able to open it and see the granules sparkle in the sun.
S, 🌻
