Originally published: March 17th, 2020

Edited & Revised: December 15th, 2024

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What Is Control?

According to PsychCentral:

… (people who)…instruct others on who they are, how they feel, what to think, and how to act.

It is exhausting to be around this type of person.

But how do they operate?

Controllers tend to use the same tactic over and over in multiple environments.

Once a person catches onto the method, it becomes easier to dodge.

Here are 30 examples:

1. Aggressive – Physical intimidation, temper outbursts, bullying, and verbal threats are used to frighten a victim into compliance.
2. All-or-nothing – There are no shades of grey the controller will recognize, it is either their way or a complete opposite extreme.
3. Assumers – The controlling person assumes they know what the victim thinks without asking and refuses to accept any dispute to the contrary.
4. Attention-seeking – No amount of attention is enough or done in the right manner and it is the fault of the victim for not supplying the exact amount.
5. Blamer – The victim is blamed for nearly everything while the controller accepts no responsibility.
6. Charmer – The controller uses flattery and charisma to draw in the victim. Once the victim begins to crave the attention, the controller withdraws to keep the victim in line.
7. Competitor – There is a constant competition the controller has set up between them and the victim where only the controller knows the rules.
8. Credit taker – When the victim has an accomplishment, the controller demands significant credit and recognition for their contribution.
9. Critical – An overly judgmental attitude is used to elevate the status of the controller and demean the victim.
10. Degrader – Embarrassment, humiliation, and shame are used to make the victim feel small in comparison to the controller.
11. Denier – The controller denies any problem they are unwilling to address despite all attempts by the victim to bring the issue forward.
12. Dominator – Any disagreement is considered to be a challenge to their authority and must be squashed.
13. Exploiter – Deliberately setting up scenarios where the victim explodes so the controller can justify their domineering behaviour.
14. Gift-giver – Elaborate gifts are used to manipulate the victim into performing. Gifts are given with the expectation of some type of return on the investment.
15. Guilt tripper – The controller tries to make the victim feel guilty for thinking, speaking, or acting a certain way.
16. Historian – The controller seeks out secret information about the victim to be utilized later as a tool for embarrassment when the victim is non-conforming.
17. Interrogator – 20 questions is a game frequently played even over the smallest of issues. The controller is the only person allowed to question, the victim cannot.
18. Isolator – The controller tells lies about the victims family members or friends in an attempt to create a dependency on their opinion.
19. Jealous – A controlling spouse is envious of their spouses best friend or a friend is resentful of other relationships in the victims life.
20. Minimizer – The controller does just enough of a task so the victim cant complain but refuses to complete it fully.
21. Moody – The controller justifies their glum behaviour with explanations of perceived injustices that the victim has committed.
22. Name caller – This can get a bit nasty as the controller will often use harsh vocabulary to shock the victim into agreement.
23. Needy – The victim is expected to read the mind of the controller and meet the controllers needs ahead of their own.
24. Never agreeing – The controller refuses to admit they understand the victim even after several clear attempts on the victims part.
25. Over-explainer – Hour long explanations are given for simple issues in an effort to wear the victim out.
26. Passive-aggressive – This is a sneaky undermining where the victim is often unable to point out specific events and when they do, it sounds trivial. It is not; rather this is like a constantly dripping faucet.
27. Pressure pusher – Constantly pressuring the victim to give into the desires and wishes of the controller even after they have said, No.
28. Silence – Instead of acting out, the controller ignores, underplays, or disregards the victim so they become insecure and are more willing to submit.
29. Urgency – The controller insists on immediate action not giving the victim enough time to think through a scenario.
30. Victim – The controller pulls out some traumatic event as continued justification for their behaviour and refusal to accept accountability.

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Why?

Why do controllers need to instruct others on who they are, how they should feel, what they should think and how they should act?

Why do we try to control someone?

Difficult to know.

My wanting to control Michael was fear-based.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in 2022.

My most distressing symptom was abandonment.

This inherent lack of trust permeated every cell in my body, at times, suffocating me.

Trying to control Michael was one way to alleviate this crushing abandonment fear that would swallow me whole.

I’ve come a long way.

It’s difficult to put into words how transformative it has been to let go of trying to control my husband in my desperate attempt to feel safe with him.

Faith.

Learning to have faith over fear has been and continues to be my journey.

To live and let live.

To be true to myself.

Michael is free to be true to himself.

And we meet somewhere in the middle; two imperfect people who are perfect for each other.

S, 💛

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55 Rules For Love

Introduction Of My Blog Series On The “55 Rules For Love”

55 Rules For Love – Rule #1 – When It Arrives, Cherish It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #2 – Whatever You Accept, You Will Get

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 3 – Understand That Love Is A Mirror – It Will Show Us Who We Are If We Allow It To

55 Rules For Love – Rule #4 – Only We Can Make Ourselves Happy, It Is Not The Other Person’s Responsibility

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 5 – Don’t Say Words With The Intent To Hurt

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 6 – Accept And Forgive Easily

55 Rules For Love – Rule #7 – Don’t Be Scared To Disagree, It Is Healthy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #8 – Never Be Too Busy For Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #9 – Do Not Punish

55 Rules For Love – Rule #10 – Accept Honest Criticism, It Is Good For Us

55 Rules For Love – Rule #11 – Admit When You Are Wrong, Quickly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #12 – Support Each Other When The Going Gets Tough

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 13 – Live In The Moment – Be Present

55 Rules For Love – Rule #14 – Leave The Past Where It Belongs

55 Rules For Love – Rule #15 – Leave Drama Out Of It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #16 – Don’t Try To Control

55 Rules For Love – Rule #17 – Allow A Small Amount of Jealousy

55 Rules For Love – Rule #18 – Don’t Use Comparisons

55 Rules For Love – Rule #19 – Celebrate Differences

55 Rules For Love – Rule #20 – Communicate Openly and Honestly

55 Rules For Love – Rule #21 – Listen Very Carefully

55 Rules For Love – Rule #22 – Don’t Judge

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 23 – Don’t Manipulate To Get Results

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 24 – Learn and Grow

55 Rules For Love – Rule #25 – Don’t Try To Change Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #26 – Don’t Condemn Each Other’s Family and Friends

55 Rules For Love – Rule #27 – Lines, Flaws and Imperfections are Beautiful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #28 – Trust Your Instincts, But Don’t Be Paranoid

55 Rules For Love – Rule #29 – Don’t Compromise Your Morals And Values And Don’t Expect Them To Either

55 Rules For Love – Rule #30 – Instead of Power, Aim For Balance

55 Rules for Love – Rule #31 – Space Is Needed To Breathe And To Grow

55 Rules for Love – Rule #32 – Accept That You Are Both Unique – Never Compare

55 Rules For Love – Rule #33 – Have Fun, Laugh and Play – A Lot

55 Rules For Love – Rule #34 – Be Each Other’s Best Friend

55 Rules For Love – Rule #35 – Don’t Play Mind Games

55 Rules For Love – Rule #36 – Do Not Carelessly Throw Away Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #37 – Don’t Waste Energy With Negative Thoughts

55 Rules For Love – Rule #38 – Compliment Often

55 Rules For Love – Rule #39 – Discover Each Other

55 Rules For Love – Rule #40 – Be Attentive And Understand What’s Not Said

55 Rules For Love – Rule #41 – Do At Least One Romantic And Thoughtful Thing Every Day

55 Rules For Love – Rule #42 – Take Picnics And Sleep Under The Stars

55 Rules For Love – Rule #43 – Don’t Just Speak About It, Show Love

55 Rules For Love – Rule #44 – Walk Together, Cook Together, Bathe Together, Read Together

55 Rules For Love – Rule #45 – Do Not Be Afraid, Love Requires Surrender

55 Rules For Love – Rule #46 – Be Loyal And Faithful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #47 – Trust

55 Rules For Love – Rule # 48 – Be Grateful

55 Rules For Love – Rule #49 – Fluidity Is Good, Accept Change

55 Rules For Love – Rule #50 – Don’t Sleep On A Fight

55 Rules For Love – Rule #51 – Don’t Cling To It, Know When To Let Go

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Discover What Turns You Both On And Explore It

55 Rules For Love – Rule #52 – Make Love, But Also F*ck (Regularly)

55 Rules For Love – Rule #54 – Give And Receive Without Measure

55 Rules For Love – Rule #55 – Never Gamble With What You Can’t Afford To Lose

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