The hardest part of the loss of a dream is actually feeling the loss.
Going into it.
Not too much to be lost in it, but to recognize the piece of my heart that I have to let go of.
To actually dream of a possible future and then allow myself the vulnerability to sink my heart into it is something I rarely allowed myself to do because each day was management in my head of my mental health and alcohol addiction.
I don’t say this in a Drama Queen way.
I say this in a realist way as hope was fleeting at best when managing Borderline Personality Disorder. But, that is a side of me others rarely see.
To lose a dream I actually had plans for because of a lie when trust is my biggest obstacle screams irony because I’ve learned so much over the years that I can now actually step into this reality, wholeheartedly.
I am not the first to lose a dream.
I guess I never thought it would happen to me.
Like any abrupt loss, it catches you off guard…
What is my loss?
I learned the hard truth that I cannot own a horse on the property we bought to do just that.
I’ve come face-to-face with navigating heartbreak without picking up a drink and successfully regulating the intense BPD emotions that wash over me while getting the sh*t kicked out of me this week with some sort of virus.
Some might say just board your horse nearby.
That is not the point. I am not an avid rider. I wanted a horse to love. To care for every day that is a part of our family, here at our home. To walk out each day across our yard to the barn, and see our horse.
Not in someone’s else’s barn.
In our barn, at our home.
But, maybe that is what the Universe has in store for me… to love a horse in a barn that is very close to our home.
I don’t know what the answer is.
And for this moment I guess I need to have faith that the path will reveal itself.