Introduction to This Blog Series

I was 27 years old when I entered into the realization that there was something wrong with me and one of the original diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD. 

I say something wrong with me because I was just not able to manage my life on my own and somehow knew there was something wrong with my mind.

Back then, not a lot was known about this horribly stigmatized disorder because BPD patients were considered impossible to treat or wrongly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. 

Along with BPD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) and Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS) were also added to my diagnostic mix.

ADHD was quickly debunked and over the past two decades most professionals leaned towards my having PTSD or a Dissociative Disorder – but something about these disorders never seemed to fit.

Add menopause to the mix and the confusion became even more confusing.

Anxiety

Here are past blogs I’ve written about my struggles with anxiety and what felt like PTSD or DDNOS:

• Managing Anxiety -The Space of No Mind
• Managing Anxiety and the Mind of Choice
• Anxiety – The Antithesis of Personal Connection
• Anxiety & Cannabidiol (CBD) & Exercise
• Trauma, Flashbacks and Dissociative Disorders
• AM I: In a Panic Attack or Trauma Response or Dissociation or Menopause? How Do I Tell The Difference?

Alcohol Addiction

As well, I have a history of alcohol addiction.

Blogs About My Struggles With Alcohol

• Mystic Order – Reiki Level IIIA – 21 Day Cleanse – A Miracle Has Happened
• Spiritual Discipline – My Alcohol Addiction – My Story Now
• Personal Development – Cutting the Ties That Bind – Saying Goodbye to Alcohol
• Is Too Much a Choice or Addiction?
• Personal Development – A Wild Woman’s Journey With Drinking and Hedonism While Walking the Spiritual Path
• Personal Development – A Wild Woman’s Slow Transformation Towards Her Best Self
• OYNB – One Year No Beer – This Wild Woman’s Successful Journey of the 28 Day Challenge and Beyond!
• Personal Development – A Wild Woman Walking the Spiritual Path – A Wild Woman Redefined? Absolutely!
• Personal Development – Living Alcohol Free – Musings During Day 78
• Just For Today – I Will Do My Work Honestly
• Just For Today – I Will Do My Work Honestly
• Personal Development – Living An Alcohol Free Life – Year One
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – EMDR and Inner Resources
• Another Layer

Present Day

When I was 52 years old I had a thorough psychological assessment by a seasoned psychiatrist. At long last, I was properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.

This blog series called Owning and Unraveling Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder is my way of processing and understanding these complex personality disorders and how they manifest, interfere with and enhance my life.

And, as it has been said to me from friends who have family members with Borderline Personality Disorder, perhaps I can help dispel misconceptions and stigmas associated with these mental illnesses.

As well, perhaps I can shed some light and more personal information on what living with Histrionic Personality Disorder is like, for those who are also walking this path.

With hope,

Stephanie, 💛

Feeling Life So Deeply

It is speculated within the field of experts who diagnose mental health issues that those with BPD are born into this world more sensitive than others. Sensitive to the world around us, feeling emotions much more deeply than averagely felt by others. There is an empathic trait about us. We can “feel” an entire room – but our perceptions may not always be accurate as our own issues can get in the way.

Acceptance

As mentioned in this blog, 2023 Thoughts – Looking Forward – Eyes On Today, I talk about my return to the 12 Step rooms to manage my alcoholism.

This BPD sensitivity I speak of, as well as being an alcoholic is a mixture of two different yet very similar paths of management. Both require an acceptance of what is without placing any judgement on them and moving forward without self-will directing my actions.

There is a spiritual aspect to this acceptance.

It is removing my will – my self-will – to labeling any of the dynamics of any given situation/scenario – thinking I know the answers (self-centeredness), and then usually making things worse (emotional mind or rational mind).

In the therapeutic Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) language this is called detaching and observing and allowing space for the inner wisdom of the Wise Mind to guide my next step. The Wise Mind is that inner knowing we all have that discerns the difference between right and wrong and acts with maturity and humility. Some call this our connected consciousness, the soul, the spirit, etc…

DBT Three states of Mind

In the 12 Step Program there is the process of letting go of our need to control and direct our actions and the actions of everyone around us. We slowly make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand Him. This God can be interpreted as that Inner Knowing we all have that discerns the difference between right and wrong and acts with maturity and humility. Some call this our Connected Consciousness, the Soul, the Spirit, a Higher Power, a Power greater than ourselves – a Power greater than our own self-will. The will of God.

3rd Step Prayer

Letting Go Of Old Ideas and Beliefs

To walk through life with acceptance; surrendering to what is and act on Wise Mind and/or God’s will means I have to let go of old ideas and beliefs.

The awareness to move from a heightened BPD emotional mind telling me my strong emotions of fear, anger, or resentments are justified – to a calm Wise Mind is the mindful process of DBT. I remove my self-will lenses of old ideas and beliefs to connect and hear what my intuitive Wise Mind has to tell me.

Changing my perception of God as this punitive, old white man up in heaven with flowing grey hair and beard who looks down with harsh judgment at us human sinners was a recommended good starting place.

To find my own version of God.

God

As of this moment, this is my version of God:

God is within me.

God is within you.

God is my intuitive Wise Mind, meaning in my humble opinion, God and DBT’s Wise Mind are the same.

God is this energy within every sentient being on the planet who connects us, unites us…in love.

My sponsor suggests I read the 3rd Step Prayer every morning.

I have it on the bathroom mirror.

So, God…. please relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.

S, 💛

Owning and Unraveling Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder

• Forget Everything I’ve Said – I’ve Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder
• Borderline Personality Disorder – Introduction to Symptoms & Causes
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – Today’s Ramble on Identity & Calm & CBD & THC
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – Scrambled Egg Thoughts & Soaring Eagles
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – The World is Hard Work
• Borderline Personality Disorder – Emotions Borderline Style & Seeing Is Believing
• Borderline Personality Disorder – Intentional Interventions & Ah-Ha Moments
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – Anger & Lettin’ Loose & How BPD Am I?
• Borderline Personality Disorder – Mindfulness & Releasing Repressed Grief
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – The Stigma & Non-Social Acceptance
• Borderline Personality Disorder – Practicing Non-Judgement & Finding Synthesis Between Opposites
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – The Start of EMDR – Creating New Pathways to Calm
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – The Pros and Cons of Medical THC & CBD
• Histrionic Personality Disorder – This One’s Hard To Process – Gonna Be Baby Steps
• Borderline Personality Disorder & HistrionicPersonality Disorder – In Need of A Reset
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – Owning The Chaos – It Has Made My Life Interesting
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – Anxious – Ambivalent (Preoccupied) Attachment Style
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – Everyday Noticing Of What It Is Like Living With BPD & HPD
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – It Is Great To Be Back & The Hulk Uses Dialectical Behavior Therapy! Woohoo!
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – Healing Takes Time
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – The Inner Critic
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – EMDR and Inner Resources
• Borderline Personality Disorder & Histrionic Personality Disorder – Reflections On A Lazy Sunday Afternoon
• Borderline Personality Disorder – The Identity Void – The Black Hole of Self